Growth Spurt
I thought it was as good of a time as any to put some thoughts out here in the blogosphere. Again, my hope is that this is more than just a way for me to work out my life issues, but something that will be beneficial for someone along the way.
I’ve come to the realization over the past year that the growth spurts that we experience in our 30’s are less about how we physically change as we did in our teens and 20’s, but more about the milestones (both positive and negative) we experience emotionally and spiritually. Or at least this has been my experience so far. Though I will say that a milestone that I’ve experience as a 33 year old is that there are serious negative consequences for pulling an all-nighter or not eating as healthy as I should.
My closest friends have experience significant changes in their lives over the past year. To be honest, it was at times difficult and painful to see them transition from being single to a life as a married woman and as a mom. I closed my heart to God out of anger and rebelliousness since it felt as though God had forgotten me or that I didn’t measure up for the Christian test to become married like my friends. It was hard to be truly happy for them. At times, my physical blindness was the least of my worries as I experienced a form of spiritual blindness as my heart could only view and perceive the world with the lenses of anger, defensiveness, fear, doubt, and loneliness. All of those emotions are real, tangible, and should not be discounted.
I would often feel so angry with fellow believers who would use phrases that were so inaccessible to me such as grace, sacrifice, provision, and sanctification. While I knew the literal and biblical definition of those words, it was hard to see how their application was practical in my own life and how I was experiencing God for the past year. In one of my angry prayers, I asked God to pick up all of the pieces of me which felt so broken, alone, and hardened. Slowly, over the past few weeks and months, it seems like I am recognizing that God heard me. It’s not so much of me getting what I wanted. But in small ways, me knowing that He hears me! In a way I’ll share how these small steps are gifts from Him.
For instance, I’ve come to the realization that while I still desire marriage, I don’t want to look back at my life and feel that I didn’t fully experience life while being single because I was dwarfed by the pain of loneliness or regret. In that, I am ok as a single. I am sure, God will give me what I need to get through each day; whether being able to celebrate when others reach milestones I hoped for myself or allowing God to set the timeline of my life. I am sure those lonely moments will not disappear, but He will provide what I need to be able to bare it. The feelings of loneliness pass like a wave, but my faith can deepen in how I can feel more rooted in Christ as I weather these passing storms.
So here are the small gifts God has given me.
His Word – while going to counseling has helped a great deal in walking through difficult moments over the past year and learning how my past impacts my reactions and how I approach relationships in unhealthy ways, the idea of going through Psalms has been a recurring theme. So there are times when I keep hearing references to Psalms and realize, maybe there’s a reason for this? From what I understand, David wrote many of the Psalms and through his poetic prose, he experienced a wide range of emotions to God, those similar to the ones I’ve had over the past year, but always seem to keep his focus on God in the midst of these difficult times. Maybe there’s something for me there.
Fight song - There are moments when I’m battling something that I cannot share with others, I have found Chris Tomlin’s “God of Angel Armies/Whom Shall I Fear” something that keeps me focused on God who is greater than my fear and knowing I have someone so powerful as a friend and who walks ahead of me. But I probably should keep this song contained in my head rather than sharing it with my fellow passengers on the G14 Metro Bus each morning since God didn’t give me the gift of an angelic voice!
Blogs that speak life - A Boundless blogger Ashley Boyer “Changing Friendships: How Do you Do It” entry helped me to understand and accept the natural transitions that happen with relationships as friends transition from the single lifestyle. While it’s similar to many articles I’ve read before, for whatever reason (I’m saying, it’s God), I finally was able to take it in and integrate it into my own understanding.
Keep it moving! - I finally realized that my life as a single comes with a great deal of freedom. As long as I meet the requirements set out by Angie, my guide dog, which are maintaining a set feeding schedule, I can use the talents and gifts God has given me more freely than my married friends. Yes, I want to be a mom and a wife. But until that comes, if it comes, I can pour into someone else. I’ve seen what too much idle time can do, which usually is spiraling negative thoughts, sour attitude, and food. So any suggestions of how I can spend that time, that would be great!
Take care of my self - While I have the freedom and a call to pour into others, I think there is just as much importance in taking time to care for oneself. This can look a lot of different ways, but what I’ve found so far is to do what I enjoy - planting flowers, bike riding, rowing, being with friends, feel pretty, and yes, an occasional glass of wine. Hey, I’m a grown woman, but don’t tell my mom!
Pray - A close friend of mine and I hit a rough patch in our friendship. We were struggling to communicate with each other and we both felt hurt by the other. I think we both realized that all we could do was to pray even if we didn’t let the other know we were doing that. Recently, my friend shared something that was deeply challenging for her and helped to explain much of the conflict we were experiencing. As she goes through this trial in her life, I feel a deep level of sadness that I cannot support her in practical ways. But after some thought and a little encouragement from someone else, prayer is one of the most powerful gifts and form of care I can extend to my friend. So it’s a reminder from God, that all things go through Him. While I don’t understand the true power and often doubt whether it works, I cannot deny that it is a mystery, but something that is a gift from God that I can communicate directly with him the things that rest on my heart. In a way, it is teaching me that when I feel as though I cannot do anything else, I can pray and hand it fully over to God.
I’m not sure when the next entry will be, but my hope is that God will continue to show me how to live with a more cheerful heart and spirit for where He has me in life.
I’ve come to the realization over the past year that the growth spurts that we experience in our 30’s are less about how we physically change as we did in our teens and 20’s, but more about the milestones (both positive and negative) we experience emotionally and spiritually. Or at least this has been my experience so far. Though I will say that a milestone that I’ve experience as a 33 year old is that there are serious negative consequences for pulling an all-nighter or not eating as healthy as I should.
My closest friends have experience significant changes in their lives over the past year. To be honest, it was at times difficult and painful to see them transition from being single to a life as a married woman and as a mom. I closed my heart to God out of anger and rebelliousness since it felt as though God had forgotten me or that I didn’t measure up for the Christian test to become married like my friends. It was hard to be truly happy for them. At times, my physical blindness was the least of my worries as I experienced a form of spiritual blindness as my heart could only view and perceive the world with the lenses of anger, defensiveness, fear, doubt, and loneliness. All of those emotions are real, tangible, and should not be discounted.
I would often feel so angry with fellow believers who would use phrases that were so inaccessible to me such as grace, sacrifice, provision, and sanctification. While I knew the literal and biblical definition of those words, it was hard to see how their application was practical in my own life and how I was experiencing God for the past year. In one of my angry prayers, I asked God to pick up all of the pieces of me which felt so broken, alone, and hardened. Slowly, over the past few weeks and months, it seems like I am recognizing that God heard me. It’s not so much of me getting what I wanted. But in small ways, me knowing that He hears me! In a way I’ll share how these small steps are gifts from Him.
For instance, I’ve come to the realization that while I still desire marriage, I don’t want to look back at my life and feel that I didn’t fully experience life while being single because I was dwarfed by the pain of loneliness or regret. In that, I am ok as a single. I am sure, God will give me what I need to get through each day; whether being able to celebrate when others reach milestones I hoped for myself or allowing God to set the timeline of my life. I am sure those lonely moments will not disappear, but He will provide what I need to be able to bare it. The feelings of loneliness pass like a wave, but my faith can deepen in how I can feel more rooted in Christ as I weather these passing storms.
So here are the small gifts God has given me.
His Word – while going to counseling has helped a great deal in walking through difficult moments over the past year and learning how my past impacts my reactions and how I approach relationships in unhealthy ways, the idea of going through Psalms has been a recurring theme. So there are times when I keep hearing references to Psalms and realize, maybe there’s a reason for this? From what I understand, David wrote many of the Psalms and through his poetic prose, he experienced a wide range of emotions to God, those similar to the ones I’ve had over the past year, but always seem to keep his focus on God in the midst of these difficult times. Maybe there’s something for me there.
Fight song - There are moments when I’m battling something that I cannot share with others, I have found Chris Tomlin’s “God of Angel Armies/Whom Shall I Fear” something that keeps me focused on God who is greater than my fear and knowing I have someone so powerful as a friend and who walks ahead of me. But I probably should keep this song contained in my head rather than sharing it with my fellow passengers on the G14 Metro Bus each morning since God didn’t give me the gift of an angelic voice!
Blogs that speak life - A Boundless blogger Ashley Boyer “Changing Friendships: How Do you Do It” entry helped me to understand and accept the natural transitions that happen with relationships as friends transition from the single lifestyle. While it’s similar to many articles I’ve read before, for whatever reason (I’m saying, it’s God), I finally was able to take it in and integrate it into my own understanding.
Keep it moving! - I finally realized that my life as a single comes with a great deal of freedom. As long as I meet the requirements set out by Angie, my guide dog, which are maintaining a set feeding schedule, I can use the talents and gifts God has given me more freely than my married friends. Yes, I want to be a mom and a wife. But until that comes, if it comes, I can pour into someone else. I’ve seen what too much idle time can do, which usually is spiraling negative thoughts, sour attitude, and food. So any suggestions of how I can spend that time, that would be great!
Take care of my self - While I have the freedom and a call to pour into others, I think there is just as much importance in taking time to care for oneself. This can look a lot of different ways, but what I’ve found so far is to do what I enjoy - planting flowers, bike riding, rowing, being with friends, feel pretty, and yes, an occasional glass of wine. Hey, I’m a grown woman, but don’t tell my mom!
Pray - A close friend of mine and I hit a rough patch in our friendship. We were struggling to communicate with each other and we both felt hurt by the other. I think we both realized that all we could do was to pray even if we didn’t let the other know we were doing that. Recently, my friend shared something that was deeply challenging for her and helped to explain much of the conflict we were experiencing. As she goes through this trial in her life, I feel a deep level of sadness that I cannot support her in practical ways. But after some thought and a little encouragement from someone else, prayer is one of the most powerful gifts and form of care I can extend to my friend. So it’s a reminder from God, that all things go through Him. While I don’t understand the true power and often doubt whether it works, I cannot deny that it is a mystery, but something that is a gift from God that I can communicate directly with him the things that rest on my heart. In a way, it is teaching me that when I feel as though I cannot do anything else, I can pray and hand it fully over to God.
I’m not sure when the next entry will be, but my hope is that God will continue to show me how to live with a more cheerful heart and spirit for where He has me in life.
Comments
Post a Comment