Mirrored Experiences
Last week I was having lunch with some co-workers and shared that I was moving through the adoption process. One of them described it perfectly, in saying that it is a pregnancy through paperwork. If that’s true, I feel about six or seven month’s pregnant right about now! With prayer and encouragement, he and his wife adopted two girls from China nearly 20 years ago when adoptions were moving swiftly (or not so swiftly).
As the weeks have been moving along, my emotions have been shifting in and out of a state of pure bliss and a sense of peace about actually moving forward with this calling that I’ve had since I was a little girl. And wrestling with waves of anxiousness that sweep over me with the weight of what I am actually doing which is raising and caring for a child. But as some of my friends have shared, this is similar to what most women experience when they are expecting a child even if it’s not their first time around.
Somehow, I underestimated how emotional this process could be. I thought I would fill out some forms, take a few classes, wait, and do more waiting. But as I’m progressing through various milestones, I am continually amazed at the complexity of emotions I feel at each phase. For example, last week I had to have the sobering yet beautiful conversation with some friends about guardianship. Who wants to think about the possibility of their own life ending? But when taking on the responsibility of a child, I must begin to think beyond what’s happening that day with only myself in mind, but how this child will continue to thrive even if I’m not with them on this side of heaven. Since I am consciously and intentionally choosing motherhood as a single woman, I am really looking at the areas of my life where I want my child to experience a full and inclusive life. For me, this may mean developing healthy brotherly relationships with male friends so that my child will have exposure to God’s design for how men were created with an equally beautiful and unique type of strength, compassion, and integrity that is different from what we see in women. I am truly blessed to have incredible friends who are women, but building friendships with men has been an area where I could grow in. Or wrestling with the question of whether I am mature enough to take responsibility for a child. Even though I am 36 and think intellectually as a 36 year old, I have come to enjoy the freedoms associated with being single with Angie by my side for whatever we set out to do in the moment. One thing I have always enjoyed is a sense of adventure that has helped me discover new experiences that few people get to enjoy. But as I prepare for a child, my thoughts land on questions like “Do I really need this item I want in the moment?” or “How can I be the best version of myself so that I can be a better role model for a child?” I think of the things that are holding me back from maturing into someone who can fully honor and embrace motherhood. Is it that I may hold on too long to a spirit of unforgiveness for past hurts? Can I experience that freedom that comes from being truly comfortable in my own skin?
One piece of wisdom that has helped to keep me grounded was the sentiment that “God will provide what you need when you need it, but His provision may be experienced in unexpected ways.” This nugget came from a new acquaintance who is a blind woman of color who adopted her son nearly 10 years ago. I am finding that God is allowing various individuals to come along side my journey to offer these words of kindness, encouragement, and wisdom. So when my emotions rattle with fear and doubt, God knows what He has planned for me and will provide what I need in order to meet and achieve that plan. Here’s an article from Desiring God that describes four truths about God’s provision that I'll be working through over the next few months.
And I think this is why God intentionally designed pregnancy to be a long enough period of time for us as humans to wrestle with these questions and emotions so that we are just a bit more equipped to deal with and hold the life of motherhood at the end of the process. Circling back to the title of this blog entry, my thoughts point to what a potential expectant birth mom may be going through at this point as she considers adoption. Does she have questions? Doubts? Fears? Or Hopes? One thing that has been rising up even more for me is to pray for her in finding peace and joy in this process, the father as he supports or accepts this as a viable option, and for the unborn child who I pray we be united. If you’re reading this and pray, I’d like to ask for prayer in that area for not just myself, but that God would be with them as well. My feeling is that while I may not meet them, I have come to believe that we will be connected together in some way and that they are entrusting me as a steward of their child.
As the weeks have been moving along, my emotions have been shifting in and out of a state of pure bliss and a sense of peace about actually moving forward with this calling that I’ve had since I was a little girl. And wrestling with waves of anxiousness that sweep over me with the weight of what I am actually doing which is raising and caring for a child. But as some of my friends have shared, this is similar to what most women experience when they are expecting a child even if it’s not their first time around.
Somehow, I underestimated how emotional this process could be. I thought I would fill out some forms, take a few classes, wait, and do more waiting. But as I’m progressing through various milestones, I am continually amazed at the complexity of emotions I feel at each phase. For example, last week I had to have the sobering yet beautiful conversation with some friends about guardianship. Who wants to think about the possibility of their own life ending? But when taking on the responsibility of a child, I must begin to think beyond what’s happening that day with only myself in mind, but how this child will continue to thrive even if I’m not with them on this side of heaven. Since I am consciously and intentionally choosing motherhood as a single woman, I am really looking at the areas of my life where I want my child to experience a full and inclusive life. For me, this may mean developing healthy brotherly relationships with male friends so that my child will have exposure to God’s design for how men were created with an equally beautiful and unique type of strength, compassion, and integrity that is different from what we see in women. I am truly blessed to have incredible friends who are women, but building friendships with men has been an area where I could grow in. Or wrestling with the question of whether I am mature enough to take responsibility for a child. Even though I am 36 and think intellectually as a 36 year old, I have come to enjoy the freedoms associated with being single with Angie by my side for whatever we set out to do in the moment. One thing I have always enjoyed is a sense of adventure that has helped me discover new experiences that few people get to enjoy. But as I prepare for a child, my thoughts land on questions like “Do I really need this item I want in the moment?” or “How can I be the best version of myself so that I can be a better role model for a child?” I think of the things that are holding me back from maturing into someone who can fully honor and embrace motherhood. Is it that I may hold on too long to a spirit of unforgiveness for past hurts? Can I experience that freedom that comes from being truly comfortable in my own skin?
One piece of wisdom that has helped to keep me grounded was the sentiment that “God will provide what you need when you need it, but His provision may be experienced in unexpected ways.” This nugget came from a new acquaintance who is a blind woman of color who adopted her son nearly 10 years ago. I am finding that God is allowing various individuals to come along side my journey to offer these words of kindness, encouragement, and wisdom. So when my emotions rattle with fear and doubt, God knows what He has planned for me and will provide what I need in order to meet and achieve that plan. Here’s an article from Desiring God that describes four truths about God’s provision that I'll be working through over the next few months.
And I think this is why God intentionally designed pregnancy to be a long enough period of time for us as humans to wrestle with these questions and emotions so that we are just a bit more equipped to deal with and hold the life of motherhood at the end of the process. Circling back to the title of this blog entry, my thoughts point to what a potential expectant birth mom may be going through at this point as she considers adoption. Does she have questions? Doubts? Fears? Or Hopes? One thing that has been rising up even more for me is to pray for her in finding peace and joy in this process, the father as he supports or accepts this as a viable option, and for the unborn child who I pray we be united. If you’re reading this and pray, I’d like to ask for prayer in that area for not just myself, but that God would be with them as well. My feeling is that while I may not meet them, I have come to believe that we will be connected together in some way and that they are entrusting me as a steward of their child.
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