Choppy Waters
A few years ago I set out to complete a triathlon which required me to swim at least a half a mile, bike 15 or more miles, and complete a 3.6 mile run. Up until recently, I would say that the run was more of a walk. But the swim scared me the most. Even though I love water, I needed to learn technique. So enters one of the best teachers I know, Brian Suddeth, who started a journey with me to learn a technique of swimming called Total Immersion. Each week we practiced smoothing out my kick which initially started looking like I was biking in the water than swimming. Ultimately, I became what could possibly be seen as a better swimmer, but it was in the safety and comfort of a concrete pool. When I got to the Dare2Tri paratriathlon camp and into the open water on race day, I forgot what I knew. In open water, there is little to no auditory and tactile clues that help with orientation, so disorientation is inevitable for beginning visually impaired triathletes. For more than a minute, I panicked because I didn’t know where I was, how far I had swam, or even if I was going in the direction I had intended. For most blind swimmers, we use another triathlete as a guide who is tethered to us at the waist to provide tactile queues for the swim portion of the race. As a guide/athlete team, we swim as one synchronized unit flowing through the water. My guide and Paralympian, Patti Solimene Collins, was my saving grace. The irrational part of my brain had taken over the part that had practiced for weeks for this race. My relaxed muscles felt like bricks. But with Patti’s confident tone, she made the 750 meter swim possible for me by breaking it down into parts. As we moved along in what I hoped was a straight line, my thrashing settled into an even stroke through the cold choppy waters.
The final stage of the adoption homestudy has been like this. In most races, you know the exact distance and even milestones that you need to accomplish as you make progress. While I will not say that my experience has been negative but relatively positive, finishing out the homestudy has been like the first leg of a triathlon where I have practiced, but still became a little rattled on race day without knowing the length I would have to swim.
During the home study, the social worker assigned to your adoption application becomes the evaluator for your suitability for becoming a parent. This professional who specializes in adoption considers the information gained over three or more interviews with you as the potential parent, reviews your medical and financial situation, and considers the input given by your references. In my case, I had three written, two telephone, and one in-person reference interview. Each week, there seemed to be an even deeper layer of information needed or area of my life where I would need to share in hopes that it would help the social worker better understand who I am as a person now and who I may be as a parent.
An aspect of adoption that can be difficult to manage is the level of scrutiny that goes into ensuring the best possible home for children. This scrutiny can often stir up even the smallest insecurities that may have been dormant prior to beginning the process. I think this happens as expectant parents move through the nine month pregnancy period, but in adoption, you are not the final decision maker. Having an outside person looking at the sum of all your parts as a person can be extremely difficult because “Hey, we’re not perfect.”
One reaction that I have continually worked to manage is reacting to the thought that I have to be perfect or overqualified before I would be considered qualified or competent. Many individuals with disabilities have faced discrimination or doubt solely based on the existence of a disability rather than the skill or potential they have. So when a concern is presented, it’s easy to go into an overdrive mode. My social worker had shared that there is a concern as to how I would manage caring for the child with being a single parent. While this is a very legitimate and serious question, it can feel painful to have to layer it with past experiences from discrimination and unoffered opportunities. So that’s what happened to me for a few weeks was going into cycles of overthinking every conceivable possibility of what the child and I would experience. It even went as simple as how would I get from the main gate of my work to the child development center once I left the front gate. I have made this trip thousands of times on my route to my office, but factoring in a child at that moment was at some level paralyzing. Not paralyzing in the notion of whether I could safely get my child to the day care with the years of training I’ve had and precautions I’ve put into place. But paralyzing in how I could prove to “others” that I could do it.
So some close friends were like Patti for me in this first stretch of my adoption. One friend in particular helped me slow down and think of solutions in parts. As those worries laced with fear subsided, the more logical strength kicked in. I was able to have a follow up conversation with the social worker and have developed some tentative steps I can take to strengthen my preparedness for a child. A few of those steps include taking infant care classes from a local hospital, completing a pediatric CPR and first aid training, and begin volunteering with a local hospital in their infant care unit. Two of the most helpful comments shared with me by a friend was the sentiment that “I can do this!” and “This is just my first step in advocating for my child.” That shift in thinking has re-ignited my courage in doing this and with those practical steps, I will be even more prepared for the child God has planned for me.
So if you’re still reading this, I have been tentatively approved for moving into the waiting list for adoption!
The final stage of the adoption homestudy has been like this. In most races, you know the exact distance and even milestones that you need to accomplish as you make progress. While I will not say that my experience has been negative but relatively positive, finishing out the homestudy has been like the first leg of a triathlon where I have practiced, but still became a little rattled on race day without knowing the length I would have to swim.
During the home study, the social worker assigned to your adoption application becomes the evaluator for your suitability for becoming a parent. This professional who specializes in adoption considers the information gained over three or more interviews with you as the potential parent, reviews your medical and financial situation, and considers the input given by your references. In my case, I had three written, two telephone, and one in-person reference interview. Each week, there seemed to be an even deeper layer of information needed or area of my life where I would need to share in hopes that it would help the social worker better understand who I am as a person now and who I may be as a parent.
An aspect of adoption that can be difficult to manage is the level of scrutiny that goes into ensuring the best possible home for children. This scrutiny can often stir up even the smallest insecurities that may have been dormant prior to beginning the process. I think this happens as expectant parents move through the nine month pregnancy period, but in adoption, you are not the final decision maker. Having an outside person looking at the sum of all your parts as a person can be extremely difficult because “Hey, we’re not perfect.”
One reaction that I have continually worked to manage is reacting to the thought that I have to be perfect or overqualified before I would be considered qualified or competent. Many individuals with disabilities have faced discrimination or doubt solely based on the existence of a disability rather than the skill or potential they have. So when a concern is presented, it’s easy to go into an overdrive mode. My social worker had shared that there is a concern as to how I would manage caring for the child with being a single parent. While this is a very legitimate and serious question, it can feel painful to have to layer it with past experiences from discrimination and unoffered opportunities. So that’s what happened to me for a few weeks was going into cycles of overthinking every conceivable possibility of what the child and I would experience. It even went as simple as how would I get from the main gate of my work to the child development center once I left the front gate. I have made this trip thousands of times on my route to my office, but factoring in a child at that moment was at some level paralyzing. Not paralyzing in the notion of whether I could safely get my child to the day care with the years of training I’ve had and precautions I’ve put into place. But paralyzing in how I could prove to “others” that I could do it.
So some close friends were like Patti for me in this first stretch of my adoption. One friend in particular helped me slow down and think of solutions in parts. As those worries laced with fear subsided, the more logical strength kicked in. I was able to have a follow up conversation with the social worker and have developed some tentative steps I can take to strengthen my preparedness for a child. A few of those steps include taking infant care classes from a local hospital, completing a pediatric CPR and first aid training, and begin volunteering with a local hospital in their infant care unit. Two of the most helpful comments shared with me by a friend was the sentiment that “I can do this!” and “This is just my first step in advocating for my child.” That shift in thinking has re-ignited my courage in doing this and with those practical steps, I will be even more prepared for the child God has planned for me.
So if you’re still reading this, I have been tentatively approved for moving into the waiting list for adoption!
Comments
Post a Comment