Growing Up as an Adult
Recently, I had to learn that everyone is merely human, even those we hold so dear. There’s nothing wrong with that statement, until that person holds a place that has little room for humanistic imperfections such as addictions, surprising political leanings, or if they are a Cowboys fan in a Redskins country. When being viewed as someone greater than a human, that’s pretty devastating. This is the lesson I am learning on my way to becoming a mom, letting go of needing a mom. I do believe that mothers hold an incredible place in each of our lives and most of us would beg for even just one more day with the moms we’ve lost. But in this case, I am talking about the dependency that separates us from our childhood and allows us to confidently venture into adulthood where children can look to us for courage, strength, and stability we needed in our former lives.
This past year has been incredible in this time of waiting. I set out to build a more diverse village for me and my future child and discovered new friends who most of which were married women. The very people I avoided and felt so much insecurity when I was around them. I realized that I can step out into the big world and travel courageously overseas to Greece, Croatia, Italy, and the Netherlands. I learned the difference between a Phillips screw head and one that requires an Allen wrench when putting together items for the baby. Finally, I’m making a lot more progress in cooking healthy meals that I actually enjoy, so I can someday be “that” mom who throws down in the kitchen or at least can put a good hot meal on the table once in a while.
But as I complete my first year of waiting for future baby Lambert, there’s this tendency that I’m seeing that God is asking me to give up. My mom is an incredible woman. She tried her best with what she knew to raise me to be the best I had the potential to be. But like any other mom, she is human and has flaws. One thing she has always struggled with is untreated depression and severe anxiety. At home, this led to severe criticism about how I looked, what things I liked, and at times my interests in things she didn’t understand. It’s a process she and I are slowly working through with a lot of prayer and therapy. I know she deeply loves and cares for me. So again, she did what she knew how to do, with what she had.
Her criticism, meant for good, was damaging and created a tendency in me to seek out affirmation, acceptance, and protection in older women who I viewed as surrogate mothers. I viewed these women with idealistic lenses. The strengths they exhibited, I admired without a healthy awareness that they have things they are personally and privately struggling with as well. And recently, when I learned that my latest surrogate mom, was human, it fractured our relationship. Unwittingly and without effort, we navigated into a space of what some would say is co-dependency at least on my part. She was my person. I’m not sure God intended for us to serve each other in that way as individuals, that’s too big of a job. It rattled me and unfortunately led down a road of questioning everything about the relationship. And there’s the problem with idealization or holding tightly onto a space for something we no longer need or serves us. As an adult entering into motherhood, God is teaching me through the wait, that through Him, I can be strong enough, I can be good enough, I can be just enough for what I am (strengths, flaws, and all). The process of embracing “enough” has a steep learning curve. I am learning to take care of my whole self, care for others after my self care well is full, and learn to know my best is what I have in that moment. There’s still so much I have to learn, but it’s enough to write down for now.
As for my surrogate mom, even though I’ve asked for space while I figure this new identity for myself and we will need to go through the process of mending some fences, we have an opportunity for creating a new and healthier relationship as peers and good friends if that’s what the process allows.
This past year has been incredible in this time of waiting. I set out to build a more diverse village for me and my future child and discovered new friends who most of which were married women. The very people I avoided and felt so much insecurity when I was around them. I realized that I can step out into the big world and travel courageously overseas to Greece, Croatia, Italy, and the Netherlands. I learned the difference between a Phillips screw head and one that requires an Allen wrench when putting together items for the baby. Finally, I’m making a lot more progress in cooking healthy meals that I actually enjoy, so I can someday be “that” mom who throws down in the kitchen or at least can put a good hot meal on the table once in a while.
But as I complete my first year of waiting for future baby Lambert, there’s this tendency that I’m seeing that God is asking me to give up. My mom is an incredible woman. She tried her best with what she knew to raise me to be the best I had the potential to be. But like any other mom, she is human and has flaws. One thing she has always struggled with is untreated depression and severe anxiety. At home, this led to severe criticism about how I looked, what things I liked, and at times my interests in things she didn’t understand. It’s a process she and I are slowly working through with a lot of prayer and therapy. I know she deeply loves and cares for me. So again, she did what she knew how to do, with what she had.
Her criticism, meant for good, was damaging and created a tendency in me to seek out affirmation, acceptance, and protection in older women who I viewed as surrogate mothers. I viewed these women with idealistic lenses. The strengths they exhibited, I admired without a healthy awareness that they have things they are personally and privately struggling with as well. And recently, when I learned that my latest surrogate mom, was human, it fractured our relationship. Unwittingly and without effort, we navigated into a space of what some would say is co-dependency at least on my part. She was my person. I’m not sure God intended for us to serve each other in that way as individuals, that’s too big of a job. It rattled me and unfortunately led down a road of questioning everything about the relationship. And there’s the problem with idealization or holding tightly onto a space for something we no longer need or serves us. As an adult entering into motherhood, God is teaching me through the wait, that through Him, I can be strong enough, I can be good enough, I can be just enough for what I am (strengths, flaws, and all). The process of embracing “enough” has a steep learning curve. I am learning to take care of my whole self, care for others after my self care well is full, and learn to know my best is what I have in that moment. There’s still so much I have to learn, but it’s enough to write down for now.
As for my surrogate mom, even though I’ve asked for space while I figure this new identity for myself and we will need to go through the process of mending some fences, we have an opportunity for creating a new and healthier relationship as peers and good friends if that’s what the process allows.
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