Day 11 - The L Word
Yesterday was pretty nice with trips to Wal-Mart and the mall for working the dogs in places where there’s distractions from the public, children, and tight spaces. It feels like the instructors are slowly giving us a bit of freedom. My instructor gave each of us radios that we could use to stay in touch with each other. So my group made up names – Alpha Dog for our instructor, Princess Taboo for one of the student's whose dog is named Taboo, Astro-Dog for another NASA employee in class with me, and Mini-Me for the group since Angie is the smallest one in the pack. Thankfully, our group has a great sense of humor and it made the trip really enjoyable. But as usual, the instructors never let us forget that we’re still in training. I’ve been busted multiple times over the past few days for small mistakes like allowing Angie to leash guide and for not having her in a sitting position if I’m just standing around talking. These corrections come from multiple places from instructors who I don’t even know!
Today has been another roller-coaster of emotions. All of the retrains have returned home, so the building seems quiet. There’s only seven of us left, with me being the only retrain. It’s definitely a neat feeling to share with the newbies my experience with my first two guides, especially when it came to being a college student. That feels so long ago!
Because of the snow storm, many of the local businesses put a salting agent on the ground to prevent icing. Unfortunately, this is very painful for the dogs to work in. The school has provided as part of our gear, booties. My little diva hates her nice red slippers! She gives this pitiful expression and reluctantly moves out. Somehow I misplaced mine, so I was benched for the morning. I couldn’t find them anywhere. I tried not worrying about it, but there’s probably nothing more frustrating as a blind person than to lose something, go searching for it, and fear that it’s staring right at you. That’s why I try to keep things in the same place such as keys, papers, remote control, etc. My instructor was nice enough to say that we would find some booties, but in order to keep things moving, we’ll make up the trip on Saturday.
I was able to use that extra time to get some work done. I haven’t been able to work as much as I had hoped just due to the unpredictable schedule and just needing to focus on the dog. Unfortunately, there was something that happened this morning that was incredibly hurtful and a difficult reminder that regardless of how helpful our guides are to us, some people view them as pets and are not welcomed in their homes. Taking away a choice of independent when there’s no logic or explanation to it, is just hurtful at so many levels. I won’t go into the details, but I definitely needed to have that time to deal with the emotions (anger, bitterness, and sadness) that I felt. So, in true God nature, I had just read 1 Corinthians 13 which talks about the nature of love. Somehow, I needed to apply what I had read the previous day even with negative emotions.
Thankfully, the afternoon walk was incredible. We took a trip to the courthouse. The town of Morristown is pretty much the Seeing Eye’s classroom. Not sure if there’s a formalized agreement with the city, but I can tell that the town is pretty gracious with welcoming a parade of guides and dogs in training on a daily basis. This courthouse was an older building with small winding hallways and steps in random places that were unpredictable. One of my biggest fears is of falling, so random steps are pretty scary to me. And to top it off, the building was poorly lit and the steps were unmarked. The purpose of that trip was to work on moving together as one unit around tight turns, going through metal detectors, ascending and descending flights of stairs. But the overarching purpose was to build trust. Kind of ironic, since we were in a courthouse where lack of trust usually is the primary problem that the judicial system is addressing. Angie was clear in indicating stairs and she gives me enough margin that makes me feel confident that I won’t overstep her and fall. As we were walking back to the van, I could feel her tail hitting the back of my leg. She does a normal swish of her tail, but this afternoon it seemed bigger. My instructor says that there’s usually a trip where it all seems to click and the dog and blind person look like they’re on the same ride and moving as one. Maybe this was that trip for me.
When we arrived back to campus, it seemed to sink in that Angie could be MY guide, in a way, filling the paw prints that Denver left behind. I’m crying as I’m writing this. A student who also has low vision and I were talking about the idea of being “in between.” Being not quite blind, but not quite sighted. It’s hard when it’s difficult to fully explain what we see and what we don’t when that vision changes in various situations. Multiple things can positively or negatively affect vision from lighting, contrast, fatigue, stress, etc. It’s not constant. What I experienced today was pretty powerful in that in my head, I felt safe and at ease with Angie. That she was capable of handling the things that I usually stress over. It’s hard to describe, but to feel independence with a dog is incredible. Whether this whole thing is Second Dog Syndrome, a fear that you’ll never experience what your previous guide could give you, or just melding together as a team. It’s beautiful.
So that’s where I caught myself saying to someone, “I love Angie.” She has such a sweet, kind, strong, and willing spirit.
Finally, we had our vet visits where I got a chance to hear Angie’s medical history, which included hearing about a surgery she had because she swallowed a metal object. She also received a microchip which can be helpful if she were ever lost or we needed to travel internationally.
Today has been another roller-coaster of emotions. All of the retrains have returned home, so the building seems quiet. There’s only seven of us left, with me being the only retrain. It’s definitely a neat feeling to share with the newbies my experience with my first two guides, especially when it came to being a college student. That feels so long ago!
Because of the snow storm, many of the local businesses put a salting agent on the ground to prevent icing. Unfortunately, this is very painful for the dogs to work in. The school has provided as part of our gear, booties. My little diva hates her nice red slippers! She gives this pitiful expression and reluctantly moves out. Somehow I misplaced mine, so I was benched for the morning. I couldn’t find them anywhere. I tried not worrying about it, but there’s probably nothing more frustrating as a blind person than to lose something, go searching for it, and fear that it’s staring right at you. That’s why I try to keep things in the same place such as keys, papers, remote control, etc. My instructor was nice enough to say that we would find some booties, but in order to keep things moving, we’ll make up the trip on Saturday.
I was able to use that extra time to get some work done. I haven’t been able to work as much as I had hoped just due to the unpredictable schedule and just needing to focus on the dog. Unfortunately, there was something that happened this morning that was incredibly hurtful and a difficult reminder that regardless of how helpful our guides are to us, some people view them as pets and are not welcomed in their homes. Taking away a choice of independent when there’s no logic or explanation to it, is just hurtful at so many levels. I won’t go into the details, but I definitely needed to have that time to deal with the emotions (anger, bitterness, and sadness) that I felt. So, in true God nature, I had just read 1 Corinthians 13 which talks about the nature of love. Somehow, I needed to apply what I had read the previous day even with negative emotions.
Thankfully, the afternoon walk was incredible. We took a trip to the courthouse. The town of Morristown is pretty much the Seeing Eye’s classroom. Not sure if there’s a formalized agreement with the city, but I can tell that the town is pretty gracious with welcoming a parade of guides and dogs in training on a daily basis. This courthouse was an older building with small winding hallways and steps in random places that were unpredictable. One of my biggest fears is of falling, so random steps are pretty scary to me. And to top it off, the building was poorly lit and the steps were unmarked. The purpose of that trip was to work on moving together as one unit around tight turns, going through metal detectors, ascending and descending flights of stairs. But the overarching purpose was to build trust. Kind of ironic, since we were in a courthouse where lack of trust usually is the primary problem that the judicial system is addressing. Angie was clear in indicating stairs and she gives me enough margin that makes me feel confident that I won’t overstep her and fall. As we were walking back to the van, I could feel her tail hitting the back of my leg. She does a normal swish of her tail, but this afternoon it seemed bigger. My instructor says that there’s usually a trip where it all seems to click and the dog and blind person look like they’re on the same ride and moving as one. Maybe this was that trip for me.
When we arrived back to campus, it seemed to sink in that Angie could be MY guide, in a way, filling the paw prints that Denver left behind. I’m crying as I’m writing this. A student who also has low vision and I were talking about the idea of being “in between.” Being not quite blind, but not quite sighted. It’s hard when it’s difficult to fully explain what we see and what we don’t when that vision changes in various situations. Multiple things can positively or negatively affect vision from lighting, contrast, fatigue, stress, etc. It’s not constant. What I experienced today was pretty powerful in that in my head, I felt safe and at ease with Angie. That she was capable of handling the things that I usually stress over. It’s hard to describe, but to feel independence with a dog is incredible. Whether this whole thing is Second Dog Syndrome, a fear that you’ll never experience what your previous guide could give you, or just melding together as a team. It’s beautiful.
So that’s where I caught myself saying to someone, “I love Angie.” She has such a sweet, kind, strong, and willing spirit.
Finally, we had our vet visits where I got a chance to hear Angie’s medical history, which included hearing about a surgery she had because she swallowed a metal object. She also received a microchip which can be helpful if she were ever lost or we needed to travel internationally.
I can almost understand your "in between" issues to some small degree. With the difficulty I experienced after my mild brain injury, my vision 'shifted' and I had to start having prisms placed in my lens. It looks like window blinds that are open at an angle. Sometimes my eyes get really tired and my vision feels like there is a haze in front of me. But more than that, since I have been doing photography SERIOUSLY, I am really seeing light in a whole new way. It is amazing how many variations there are in intensity, color, lightness, refractions, reflections, glare, polarization, etc., and how quickly light changes.
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