Uncharted Acceptance:

Wow, it’s been a while since I’ve posted here! So forgive me if I’m a little rusty at this!

Some people say that your 30s are a time of fully living as the individual you’ve worked so hard to become. I think that’s been the case for me, but it’s been peppered with some new discoveries of strengths I’ve never dreamed of and also some challenges requiring that I fully accept the hard task of personal growth in order to be a better version of myself or at least the version that God called me to be. I hope that with God’s permission, that as the years pass by, I hope to fully live regardless of whether I’m 30, 50, 70, or more.

This year, I turned 36 which is well within the realm of being considered “grown.” And my mom shared the shocking news that I have a few grey hairs which I am glad to say I am happily oblivious to and glad to remain that way, thank you very much. But as I sit in one of the many doctor’s appointments where the question of “So…are you wanting children?” has made a frequent appearance and where I reassure my doctor’s that it is in fact on my ‘to-do” list of things I’ll eventually get to. But I’ve tried to create witty retorts that sound something like “Now before we address having children, do you have anything that will treat this pesky affliction called ‘singleness’?’ But I just nod my head, swallow tears, and pray that this particular topic fades into the background as more important topics like losing 20 pounds or whether I’m getting enough rest emerge.

Yes, I meant to say affliction because that’s how my brain has processed the many years of seeing others find love while I still remain labeled as “single”. I felt that it was some kind of disease that has stolen many things from me over the years. It has taken some friendships where my own unchecked jealousy fractured good friendships with godly women. A disease that has soured the sense of community that can be sweetly realized in a church. It has caused rise to new raging fears of living a life without knowing love, acceptance, or peace of a beautiful marriage.
Breaking out the tissues yet? Well, that’s what an unfulfilled hope transformed into idolatry can do, a robber of smiles, joy, and contentment.

But like most diseases in our modern day, it can be identified, treated, monitored, and possibly even cured.
For more than a year, God and I haven’t had the best of relationships. I walked away from the very things I had deeply desired….love, acceptance, and peace that can be securely found in Him. But even though I took a detour in order to do my own exploring, I do believe that God has been right there offering up fatherly wisdom and surprising discoveries. Do I regret taking the detour? No, because it’s called life and a life well lived. But my understanding of faith holds on to the hope that regardless of how far I detour, God is right there with me.

So that’s where a recent experience has provided one of the sweetest moments that I’m struggling with how to adequately put it into words. So being the project manager of sorts, I’ve taken on that “to-do” list item of having children and conducted an extensive search into the various options for me as a single woman. This search has led me to meeting face-to-face with some beautiful women and men who have found peace in their own choice of building a family through means of science, faith, community, adoption, or some other means that is deeply personal to them. I met a friend who shared her experience of using fertility methods in order to have her son who is now an adorable 6 month old. In March, I met with a fertility specialist and joined a support group for single women desiring children. Over the past four months, I’ve attended monthly meetings with more than 20 women who are in various stages of research, testing, pregnancy, and the tough phase of loss. As we share our stories in a circle and over lunch, we share laughter, jokes, tears, and dreams. While I was joining the group as a participant, I have also been an observer. I observed beautiful, confident, vibrant, witty, and intelligent women of various ethnicities who clearly live their lives fully. I have observed that we share similar triumphs in career, sadness from failed romantic relationships, and laughter from the tragic comedy of our political system.

But one thing that seemed to seep into my conscious awareness over the past few weeks is that just as I see these women as beautiful, lovable, and worthy of a life well lived; this is something that can also be applied to me as well. Slowly the disease of singleness is loosening its grip and pervasiveness in my thought pattern. I’m starting to feel that confidence that comes from being just a little more comfortable in my own skin. Those fears are starting to quiet down and be replaced by sweetness from living more in the moment. And the tears that I swallowed in the past are now being covered by more laughter.

With a bit more clarity in becoming content in where God has me, a desire that had laid dormant for years is now taking life. This is a desire for adoption. I have known since I was a child of about 10 that I wanted to adopt even if I had the ability to have a child of my own.

So yes… I am beginning the active stages of adopting a child. I am excited. I am scared. But most of all? I am hopeful and at peace. I know this journey has been travelled by many before with both positive and negative outcomes. But as God is illuminating this uncharted path for me, I am finding that the first discovery that I’ve made in this journey is acceptance. Acceptance for what is ahead even if it is different than what I had dreamed of. Acceptance for God’s design for me. Acceptance that God’s love for me is much bigger than my detours. And acceptance for who I can be in spite of myself.